I just want to fit in

all ive ever wanted is to fit in

why

why cant i just be normal, just do what everyone else does. just get along with everyone without it being such an effort.

to not feel simultaneously clever and the stupidest person on the planet. to give just a quarter-fuck about small talk.

to have a job where the boss doesnt hate me after 2 years of knowing me. to have friends that dont ask who else is out if im the one inviting. to have a bank account that is not a complete money repellant.

most people put up with their job. some people even like theirs. i cant even picture my dream job, it doesnt exist.

most people just have a bit of a shit day. i think of things like theres a rope in my wardrobe and a balcony literally right there. or how about a meter and a half away to my right there’s a knife sharp enough to fuck my neck up with. i can’t see it, i just remember it’s there.

even on the off chance i meet someone new and they have no idea who i am, i assume they hate me. they probably will in time.

i cant focus, i cant succeed. i cant work under guidance, i cant work autonomously. i desperately crave praise but brush it off when i get it. i want more responsibility but not that much. i want to make a difference but get distracted half way through

i exist only as a consumer, not just the type that buys things, the type that just inhales everyone’s life force. youre probably feeling it by now reading this.

the worst part is who do you even say this to? everyone is going through shit right now, most people just send you the number for samaritans and go about their day. i wish i could, just one day, go about my day.

i dont know what to do. i am out of options. this is not a suicide note, stand down.

who even cares.

Heya! I’m Cohan and I make PHP-based websites. I also administer Linux servers and do other nerdy good stuff like that.
My real love is writing though, this here’s my outlet for that.
A picture of me.