March 23, 2021. Tuesday.

It’s already been a week since I tried to off myself. Time flies like a banana.

12:25

Naw I’m not doing any better. I’m not asking for help either, I’ve burdened enough. I’m not going to off myself if that’s why you read these things. You’re good, move on.

I didn’t even think about it but today I’ve managed to make the exact same meal I did last week before realising it was time to go. I say meal. Literally just rice and a condiment. Sweet chilli. Woo. Nourishing.

Literally the only value I got from the meal was the sweet part of the sweet chilli. I was using too much sugar in coffee to keep my spirits and energy up but that ran out. I’ll replace it when I have money.

Speaking of which literally nobody has said anything (they never do) but just in case, I feel I need to defend myself a little - I know I’ve got a pretty well paying job. I know. It’s just shy of 2 grand a month net. So why am I having this trouble? When I was growing up the entire household income was 14 grand for 2 adults and 3 kids lmao.

I WISH I KNEW TOO! I really do.

I do have a plan and a budget etc for next month but that would require a payday to go by and that’s not happened yet.

12:36

I need to rapidly pull up out of this mindset. I’d go for a walk but honestly I don’t think I have the energy.

12:46

I can see how the last time I ate this meal it spiralled so quickly. I could ask for help but.. who do you ask? Randoms on the internet? Family? Friends? Everyone is busy with their own thing. I’m not going to dump mine on them too. My mindset is different this week but I can see where I entered the spiral last week.

12:49

How bad are payday loans anyway?

a few moments later

Hahahahaha fuck me, 292% interest! Even I’m not that stupid! I’ll survive on the rice.

18:13

I know I start each entry all depressed and moody at the moment, sorry. I need to work on patience. I can make all the changes in the world to fix my financials but if I overthink them out of existence before payday.. I mean that’s on me.

Just chill out for a bit me, fucking hell. At least wait for the next payday. I gave you a massive 10kg bag of rice for this. You cannot starve. Push through it.

18:44

Also when in doubt have some pasta. There’s also pasta and sauce thanks to the Foxes. You forgot about it didn’t you?

Get some sauce over that sucker n’all. For bonus lasting effect blam a load of paprika or something into the sauce, BAM it up a notch. Spicy food burn lasts longer than the meal. Helps you feel full while waiting for the stomach to catch up.

I need to make note of these meals I can quickly cook before my attention span and appetite give up actually. Takeaways have gotta go. Even microwave meals would be a saving on takeaways you daft thing.

19:36

I could go with a tall glass of cherryade right now. One day I’ll have all the resources to have anything I want.

Most of the things I want are tall glasses of things. I’m a bit of a cheap date when you get past the loosey goosey spending.

A friend asked how the dating scene was treating me recently and honestly I’ve not really thought about dating in over a year now. Still working on being happy with me before I introduce anyone else to my baggage haha

I just realised I never responded to him.. dammit brain

22:23

I wish time worked a bit less linearly. Now would be the perfect time to respond to that message at 19:36.. but its not that time anymore.

Weirdly I actually wrote that at 21:30 or something but I accidentally deleted it and just realised.. What else am I missing?

Oh aye, I added reply to him to my todolist for tomorrow. Nothing interesting.

Heya! I’m Cohan and I make PHP-based websites. I also administer Linux servers and do other nerdy good stuff like that.
My real love is writing though, this here’s my outlet for that.
A picture of me.