March 17, 2021. Wednesday.

Same shit, the next day.

Lets keep that trigger warning on for today. I’m not pursuing it but I am still talking about it

TW/CW: Suicide


I woke up today with the world all vibrant and I was dancing and birds and other woodland animals helped me get dressed while baking a pie.

Naw. The only difference between waking up yesterday and waking up today is I got a wave of guilt as well as the usual life dread. In case you were wondering.

The only difference between the guy yesterday and the guy today is this guy has pictured the plan too vividly. Take me off suicide watch though, I can’t even follow through with that lmao.

Course if anyone asks how I’m doing “Aye not bad cheers, how about you?”

Imagine answering it honestly. “Aye doing alright, came within 5 minutes of ending my life yesterday, only here talking to you cause I’m a bit squeamish. How about you?” “Aye yeah not bad not bad cheers” they wouldn’t even be listening.

Even if they were listening it’d be a dick move to drop that on someone just for pretending to be nice. Such a pointless ritual tho.


I know you don’t care about me in particular and that’s fine but just cause someone is still alive, doesn’t mean they’re fixed now.

Next person to give me the Samaritans number thinking they’re helping is getting their face headbutted by the way. I get it, you don’t care. Just say nothing.

I know their number. My entire career is off the back of my ability to Google things. I can find their number again if I manage to forget “116 123”, alright?

I wouldn’t really use violence like that, that’s just a feeling. Samaritans are useless in my eyes. I need fixes, not some psychologist wannabe jacking off to my suicidal thoughts. Just go on with your day. You have no obligation to help me, just move on. Besides which the last time I called them the line was busy.

Honestly at least in my experience you’re better off psyching the person out by describing in excruciating detail what their preferred method is like.

Pills? Pills are a slow burn. You might even decide against it in the time they take to work, but you have no chance. Over the course of a few days your liver shuts down, you go yellow as fuck, you die under palliative care as your organs shut down one by one. As a suicide attempt you’re going to be so low on the transplant list even if you change your mind after some sleep, unlucky. You at least get time to regret, time to say goodbye to all your loved ones. To answer their pitying faces one by one why you did it.

Cutting? Have you ever had a papercut? You know how bad that feels right? Now multiply that by whatever size you slice and add on an impending doom panic state for a few minutes as your heart misses beats due to low blood pressure. You’re going to go out panicking out of your mind. Someone’s going to find that bloody mess you’ve left behind too.

Hanging? You’ll feel your neck breaking, if you’re lucky. Otherwise its the panic again while you suffocate. Again some poor cunt is going to have to find your swinging corpse. They’ll have it burned into their mind the rest of their life.

Drowning? Most people that survive say they regretted doing it during the freefall, nevermind when they shattered whatever bones hit the water first. That’s the survivors too. Chances are you’ll regret it and go out panicking trying to swim using your destroyed limbs. With this option your body might never even be found. Family and friends forever wondering what happened, who took you.

Jumping in front of a vehicle? Someone’s never heard of the psychological damage that does to the driver. That’s a career ender for most. Not to mention the trauma for everyone that sees your body pop like a water ballon. Don’t be a prick.

Bit rich coming from me I know, I’d be dead now if I hadn’t given myself the heebie jeebies. Do as I say not as I do. Just cause my life doesn’t matter doesn’t mean yours doesn’t.

Go rob a bank or something for the adrenaline rush before you kill yourself. Try to feel alive before you try being dead. Try to overdose on weed, its fun as fuck. I’d have tried the latter again if I had the cash. Came up with a movie script last time I did that.

I mean I didn’t finish it cause I can’t even follow through killing myself, but the notes are all there waiting for a spark.


Bank has frozen interest for 30 days (ooo thanks wow that extra 20 quid fixed everything that was so worth doing wowww cheers my god) and wanted me to fill out a 30 page budget. YOU ARE MY BANK YOU HAVE THIS DATA. YOU ARE THIS FUCKING DATA.

Oh just piss off, consider yourself covered legally or whatever the fuck that torture was for. Forget it.


Far less grouchy now. Moving on from all that. Lovely day, got the balcony doors and window open to vent out all the farts.

Might go for a walk in a bit. I’ll get up to the castle eventually, it’s just so tempting to head the opposite direction though ‘cause it’s a really nice flat path to walk down (used to be a railway line I believe).

What do ducks eat these days anyway? We’re not supposed to feed them bread anymore are we?

Speaking of Googling something. Sweetcorn, lettuce, peas, oats, seeds, rice. Sorted, I’ve got a whacking great 10kg of rice and I can’t cook it for shite (although having said that I’ve found it’s cause I stir while cooking). I’ll take a handful with next time I go for a walk.

I know, I know “wont that expand in their stomachs and explode them”? I thought that too but Google it yourself, completely fine as long as it’s not all they eat and even that’s a nutrition thing.


Back to feeling bleh. I feel like im wasting Monzo’s time, they’re still trying to get me to figure out how much I feel comfortable paying.

.. you think I can figure that out? I dunno, zero forever? If I lower the payments the cunting thing will never be paid off.

Told them sorry for wasting their time. I don’t need some customer support person spending their time telling me I spend too much. I’m an idiot, not dumb. I’m aware. Forget it.


Oh aye I fucked the walk off. cba.


Right. If I’m sticking around I need to get this debt off my mind. I need to earn an additional £25,000. Ideally as soon as possible but timeline to be confirmed.

I’ve already got a few backburner projects that might fit the bill. I’ll figure out which is going to be the easiest vs fastest.

Fuck it, I’m supposed to be dead. Who cares if I’m bad at streaming. I’ll see you on Twitch. We’re getting out of this. Then we’re getting every other cunt we can out of this too. Being broke can get to fuck.

Sorry about the Samaritans thing earlier. I don’t suggest avoiding them or anything. It was a coincidence of one bad phonecall combined with one bounced email. Unfortunate tech issue.


Definitely back on the mend. Anxiety is back from his time off. Wish I could rewind time to Monday and go again.

Ah well, at least I can still say such is life. Glad to still be here and that. Next time I go down that path I have this, including the outcome here, to look back on.

Sorta glad I kept it on the dl. When I first wrote the note I was going to link it on Twitter. Give it a month and it’ll just be another story from the past :)

I’ve also got a new vibe sprouting that I’m not sure of. It’s like an anti-depression.

Sort of like bottling it has put things into perspective like.. ok I’m depressed, whatever. Sucks as it used to but man who cares lmao. Shut up depression, eat my ass anxiety. I’m just gonna be me now.

Heya! I’m Cohan and I make PHP-based websites. I also administer Linux servers and do other nerdy good stuff like that.
My real love is writing though, this here’s my outlet for that.
A picture of me.