February 21, 2021. Sunday.

Time to fix me.

10:44

Right I’m in a great frame of mind today so I’m gonna work on me.

I need to understand that while all the signs point to ADHD, it might not be. What happens if I get the “naw its not, you’re neurotypical” what would I do in that case? Putting too many eggs in the one basket.

Distractions and a lack of motivation turn from symptom to laziness. So either I need a kick up the arse or I change what I need to do.

e: To note I’ve come up with the following off the top of my head. Expect refinements

Motivation

Being able to buy food is a good motivator. The problem is my pay is the same whether I skive off for an entire month or if I work my fingers to nubs.

Lets seriously look at freelance or self employment. Drill some more risk and reward into my existence.

Distractions

Hand in hand with motivation really but using the pomodoro technique helps. 25 min on, 5 min break. Repeat. I might bump that to 45 on 15 off to see where the shiny pen kicks in.

Cash

Sure it’s my fault but you don’t get out of debt beating yourself up (unless someone is paying you to do that, then I guess go for it). This would also benefit from work-harder paid-harder so we’ve already half done this one. Nice. Spending is the other side of it.

If I deny myself everything I will at some point throw a wobbly and spend 40 quid on a takeaway 3 days in a row. That’s just what happens. As of payday, Friday is takeaway day with a limit of 20 quid including delivery and tip. That should be enough to give that a break.

The big shop

This doesn’t work for me because I like fresh stuff with short sell by dates (salad stuff mostly).

Delete everything Ocado* thinks about me and set up their regular shop thing. Budget for a “big” shop each month where I grab the monthlies like deodorant and that, but food wise go with smaller weekly shops. I am sick of leaning on long lasting stuff at the end of the month, it’s all so fucking beige. Gimme some greeeeeens man.

There’s probably a low end order of 40 quid without paying a delivery fee so lets call it 40*3+100 for the month and try to come in lower than that. This covers ALL groceries for now including popping to the shop for bits and bobs.

* I know they’re known as the posh shop but I compared at one point and it came in 15p more than Tesco but has cool things like auto shop. Once this is set up I can just forget about it and food will arrive without me being involved.

Budget

Gonna throw all of this into a budget after I’m done brain dumping.

Throwing a wobbly

When this happens it’s like my mind has misfired somewhere and problems start to cascade in my head. This thing is bad so that is bad so this is terrible so I should just kill myself.

No more with the suicidal threats, me. You’re not doing it, you’re just thinking about it. That’s fine, but we can’t just go around threatening to off ourselves. That gets results for a very bad reason which means it will, if not already, become a manipulation tactic. Get to fuck with that.

If you need help, ask for help. If you don’t get help, ask someone else. If it still can’t be helped then back to the drawing board on a good day. Come back to it later. Drop it.

Nothing in my life is so demanding I can’t take 5. Make a coffee or something. Go sit in the garden while you drink it. Living room if it’s shite out. In any case, away from the PC.

You’ve already got such a great starting point it’s almost criminal to be complaining. People have it way worse.

ok if I can’t be sad because someone has it worse I can’t be happy until I’m the happiest person on earth got it.

Alright fair, no more comparisons either. Sort you out then we’ll help others up. Like putting oxygen masks on in a plane.

12:11

I feel a good distraction coming on so I’m gonna get out of bed (lol I’ll work on that too) and have that shower I was too wuss to have last night. Probably actually annoy all the neighbours but it’s allowed because it’s daytime lmao

Stupid brain, what are you like?

13:23

Yesss man. I don’t look fat lying down anymore. Still got standing and then finally sitting to go but we’re getting there with this whole eating only to survive thing.

It’s not healthy, don’t try this at home, etc. It is a positive side effect tho.

By unhealthy I mean I’ve had less than 500 calories per day this month. Don’t copy it. If I was doing it on purpose this would probably be anorexia.

Exercise is better for you but I feel so deenergised I’d probably just die doing it right now.

T minus 5 days till payday. I still have plenty of Huel if I actually start dying but I’ve proper gone off it. Like, feel pukey at the smell of it. Huel is rock bottom last resort food now.

15:10

Signed up to Bumble again. Had a browse around, fucked it off. lmao what are you doing. Fix yourself then we’ll talk bumbles, don’t take someone down with you.

15:34

I miss clubs and that tbh.

clubs and that playlist

16:21

Wait you’re allowed to say no to people and projects? I’ve just been accepting everything and melting down a bunch.

17:10

Do animals think we’re roaring when we burp?

Oh my god brain you’re so random

21:48

Sometimes I act like I’m posessed because imagine someone had creepy cameras in my room. Uno reverse card on the creep.

Heya! I’m Cohan and I make PHP-based websites. I also administer Linux servers and do other nerdy good stuff like that.
My real love is writing though, this here’s my outlet for that.
A picture of me.