February 18, 2021. Thursday.

I’m basically convinced ADHD is the problem but I’ll let the doctors tell me for reals

09:09

I’ve been inhaling that How to ADHD channel on YouTube and even if it turns out its not the issue these tips are already helping.

Right now I’m watching one on dating with ADHD and it suggested a learning date would be good. Like watching and dissecting a Masterclass. That would be such a perfect date for me my god.

Actually, forget the date part. I just want to do that as an activity. If anyone wants to watch a Masterclass and dig into what we’ve learned from it afters get in touch.

09:22

I mean seriously. I started this diary because I told my boss I wasn’t motivated to do the work he’s paying me for. I wanted to find where I start spiralling towards the self destruct button haha.

09:28

Oh yeah also I’ve now got a YouTube video playing and a Twitch stream on and I’m working. If that isn’t an understimulated brain I got nothing hahaha.

09:37

I had written the timestamp there but I haven’t got a clue what I was going to write.

Shiny pen syndrome might just be ADHD lmao

10:27

The one thats on now is the after dark sex life one. Don’t worry the thing I got from this one isn’t TMI.

Whether it is ADHD or not it is good to hear that other people feel like they’re burning out doing the absolute best they can but outsiders still see them as being lazy or slacking.

For me when I get called (or at least feel like I’ve been called) lazy it throws off my entire day just seething. Like this is not my skillset. The person calling me lazy cannot even comprehend some of the stuff do the things I do for work for example.

Leave a bed unmade though? You lazy bastard how could you not make your bed before taking a selfie. And that desk covered in notepads and varying pens. Get that tidied up.

First of all I was taking a selfie showing off how much weight I’d lost anyway, don’t look at the background nosey. Secondly YOU WILL NEVER BE IN THIS ROOM! WHO CARES THAT ITS A BIT JUMBLED! I LIKE IT. I THRIVE IN THIS ENVIRONMENT!!

Let me clarify it is never like bowls of cereal or gross stuff. Just paper and other creative clutter.

I know I’m going ham on the ADHD talk right now. I’ll get bored of it sooner or later don’t worry.

12:36

Had to bolster the new found worries that come with a potential “disorder”. Search for positive effects of adult ADHD. It’s not all bad :)

The one about being able to handle emergencies is spot on. I once calmly brought up a company’s networking while whistling after telling the person on the phone to shut up so I could think. This was at about 4am and I’d been woken up minutes before.

Man I miss not being burned out. Sorry to be so humble but under this mess I am fucking good at making tech stuff work.

I was going to make a quip about how I could knock out an 40 hour week no worries but it’s bollocks.

I used to get that 40 hours done in 10 and faff around on reddit the rest of the week haha. What? I don’t get paid any more if I work my arse off lmao.

13:01

Can I be honest with you diary I had a couple tears there.. thats my equivalent of crying lmao. Boys dont cry upbringing, it’s the best I can do.

My potential has fallen so much over the past 10 years.

All I need is a few weeks off lmao. I should have taken more time off when I had the cash to cover unpaid leave.

lmao lmao lmao

laugh my anxiety off

lmao

13:34

The respond-o-meter. Before responding, where are you currently?

13:39

When I said I hope there’s a simple stimulant pill I can take I am aware (vaguely) of how it works. I’m not expecting to take a pill and instantly become perfect at everything.

I know it’s something to do with strengthening the dopamine signals or whatever so I’d have to still do things but will actually get the dopamine hit. I dunno. Something like that, that’s fine. I am very down to clown.

I’m not arguing with anyone right now just seems like one of those things the internet will latch on to.

14:30

Life goal: Become one of the twelve Internet Elders.

Todo: Put together a group of Internet Elders. 11 of the smartest people on the internet and me.

14:34

I don’t know what we’d do but it would be important.

14:41

OH! OH WOW! YEAH!

I wonder if getting through 2 pots of coffee back then was a stimulant thing.

17:08

Next time you have sunburn call it rugburn and see how long it takes for someone to question it.

Dunno why.

18:45

I tested the coffee as a stimulant idea. 6 cups total today (4 almost back to back) compared to my usual 2. This is the most awake I’ve felt in ages.

No I don’t mean like because of the coffee, I mean because of the (probably a placebo) effect it’s having. Aside from writing this I’ve stayed focused for an hour.

To be continued.

19:47

I’m still focused, I’m only here cause I needed to go the loo.

Obviously this could all be placebo – it’s one attempt, maybe I’m just in a good mood today.

20:01

Oh yeah it sounds like I’d be bouncing off the wall, its very good coffee. Bean to cup posh stuff.

Nope. I’m relaxing. Watching stuff without flicking to Twitter and that.

22:35

One hell of a placebo. Still on the one thing.

Well, I was. I’m off to bed night xoxo

Heya! I’m Cohan and I make PHP-based websites. I also administer Linux servers and do other nerdy good stuff like that.
My real love is writing though, this here’s my outlet for that.
A picture of me.