February 16, 2021. Tuesday.

I almost forgot about you there. Which is kinda relevant.

19:38

It’s a Tuesday. Tuesdays are alright. The first good day of the week.

Anyway I was reading an article earlier (on Metro booo haha) where a person said that their undiagnosed ADHD was causing their depression. Cool might check that out.

Then they said that their memory was so bad they had to write everything down.

Mate my belongings are 90% notepads. I’ve pinged the doc a message, I need to know.

That’s not the only symptom but I don’t fancy the internet diagnosing me (and I’ll be biased in which symptoms I share of course wanting an easy answer) so I’ll just let you know where that goes when it goes.

I’m not expecting instant results what with covid but better get it started now than in 2 years or whenever I next think about it.

Swear to god though if a cheeky little stimulant fixes everything. That’s the dream anyway. The docs might just say “naw youre just a lazy cunt lmao get out of here and do some work”

19:46

Wait, is it Tuesday?

Yeah.. I think. Yeah it has to be.

21:33

That was new. You know those sort of inner monologues I get where I basically just bully myself? I had a positive one.

Just sort of making myself laugh and that. Pulling faces in the mirror “you idiot” blows kiss at self because that’s funny.

Look, you don’t need the details of my new affair with myself. Get a room, me.

Anyway so I’ve clearly gone insane. The voices in my head are usually much meaner than this.

21:38

I hope the doctor doesn’t think I was trying to make them work faster.. In the bit where they asked what my concerns are I put that I was definitely going to try some ADHD meds off the darkwebs sooner or later if I don’t get seen in a legitimate way.

I didn’t mean it like “so hurry up” I just meant this is the sort of person I am.

I have heard about it, I will get curious, I will tinker, I will figure out, I will get really into it, I’ll almost master it, I’ll get distracted by a shiny pen.

It’ll be like Breaking Bad except all British and deadpan and if Walt wandered off and started a new project just before becoming Heisenberg.

22:33

Oh my god do boomers think the virtual greenscreen filter in Zoom actually looks good? I just realised they grew up with like SD video quality. They probably don’t even notice the artifacts that make their hair look maggoty and weird.

I’ve been thinking they’re using it ironically this whole time.

Are they?

22:38

Wait I just realised I don’t talk to many people.. do you think it looks good?

Am I the baddie?

23:04

I just had a horrible thought that had I discussed the results of my citalopram with Dad that he’d still be around..

Not horrible that he’d be here.. god dammit brain.

Anyway no he went to the doctor on multiple occasions. It’s not on me to diagnose and prescribe. Get that thought right to fuck. Nope.

01:20

I keep saying how much the citalopram has helped but I mean I’m on record thinking of suicide like 20 times in this thing and I’ve only done it for a couple months..

Followup on that thought.. how fuckin bad was it before that I consider this good. Haha.

01:25

Eyyy I’m down to 96kg. 92 is my first-stop goal. I started at 120kg about a year ago at this point.

I don’t know if the speed is slow/fast/dangerous or anything considering I’m only regulating calories in right now, excercise can do one. Don’t honestly care either. It felt good for a second.

I mean I literally did less work so don’t praise it lmao. Fat boy just couldn’t be arsed going to the fridge anymore.

01:45

I realised if there’s a psychologist involved then they’ll probably read this. Hello, I’m sure you’re doing a fantastic job. I don’t know you yet. Despite me having given you this link I don’t even know what you look like. How weird is that?

01:49

No wait it’s the NHS. I’ll have to give my life story in under 10 minutes before they start to heavily imply I should fuck off.

01:51

No wait, it’s the NHS.

It’ll be 6 months before I even have an appointment lmao. Tories proper fucked it up eh.

Might as well just resort to what is essentially buying speed off the internet anyway, get ahead of it and that.

See, fuckin told you I’d start getting curious. You watch me have sourced some ritalin or whatever the good stuff is these days ready to grab on payday..

02:04

The internet is so easy to use by the way.. Like it looks difficult but you could have a kilo of coke on your doorstep next day delivery if you’ve got the cash. The war on drugs is an absolute joke.

Honestly if I hadn’t just shredded my opsec writing it here I could just become a drug dealer like that. Snaps fingers.

At least there’s that option. Sounds fun.

If I do go breaking bad on it and some FBI agent is reading this post looking for clues as to where I’m hiding heya hows it going. You found the final clue. Dun dun duhnnnnn. You go get the thieving cunt g’wan mate.

02:18

Brain if you fancy going to bed by the way you feel free to shut the fuck up at any time.

02:22

By the way when I talk about my brain doing something when I am my brain, I know. Get your obvious little Karl Pilkington gags out the way.

What I mean is I, the software or soul if you’re into that, am asking the wiring of the brain to cooperate. I’m not actually arguing with myself. I’m acting out a nanosecond of thought.

I only want to be checked for ADHD and that I don’t need ending up in an asylum for chatting shite.

02:33

Anyway if you were to go back in time to shag your own arse would you act all awkward with yourself or would you just dive on in?

Fancy an email update instead of having to pop back here every time?

Heya! I’m Cohan and I make websites. I also administer Linux servers and do other nerdy good stuff like that.
My real love is writing though, this here’s my outlet for that.
A picture of me.