February 15, 2021. Monday.

Gonna go rob a bank. Writing this publicly so I can never do it to stop myself planning it without me realising.

13:27

You know how I was whinging about working a bunch during my time off? It got postponed to today wednesday now I’m back in..

Urgent when it’s only my time being pissed up the wall haha.

Guess what I got for it all! It proper makes up for it right. I got a thanks.

I’m sitting here deciding if I can eek out the day on a bowl of rice or do I need to add a huel today to avoid passing out. “Thank you”.

Man, fuck your thanks. Money is the only reward now. Fuck everyone.

And I fucking know its my fault. I’m quite aware. However the knowledge of it doesn’t put food in my face does it?

Let’s try it. I’m sorry I self destructed in a fit of fat depression after my dad died and my fiancee ditched me and ransacked the house for everything of value which I had to replace. Sorry.

Nope, still hungry.

13:43

Please remember you’re the one who decided to read my diary. I’ll be right as rain by the time you’re reading this. I’ll have scrimped and scrounged and bounced back with a full belly, I always do.

Actually fuck this if I have to start adding disclaimers this diary thing is already dead. You get me, I don’t need to.

13:47

Speaking of, if I do kill myself can the stone read “cba” cheers. No name, nothing. They charge by the letter, save your money. Honestly not worth it.

13:58

See look I can see a few quid in there.

I’m off down the shop.

14:08

I did realise when you factor in isolation that I wouldn’t be much worse off in prison really. That bank job is back on the table.

Just try to creep everyone out first day by getting into a fight and demanding the other person kill me or they’re a pussy.

Start chewing off noses and ears till they get it done.

15:14

Ah fuck it. Who cares. Fix the problem or kill yourself mate your choice.

No but seriously can you stop complaining about fucking everything.

15:18

By the way if you’re going to draw debt to try launching a side project make sure you’re not too burned out to actually work on it first. Just sayin. Idiot.

15:24

Go on then what are you going to do about it? Going to get another job, sort of like it there for a few years till you finally clock on all the promised benefits are bullshit? Give me a break mate. No company does profit share. Not unless you’re in sales. Do not believe that ever again lmao.

Go on now. Trundle off to say sorry for rocking the boat. Protect your job ooo thank you for the 1k raise in 4 years oooh please sir can I nosh you off.

Pathetic.

15:36

Theres the citalopram (and/or food) I bounced back. Whusuuuuup!

Might have also been that I cracked open the window and balcony doors now its a bit chilly (woke up) and fresher (farts)

In any case we’re off suicide watch. Fuck me, why does my brain go instantly to the self destruct. It’s worse than a Star Trek captain.

22:04

That guy from earlier needs to get laid or something god damn.

False start lets give it another go tomorrow.

22:25

In fairness I was already aware I need some downtime. Maybe about a week of? Dunno, it sounds familiar.

22:35

Sort of feels like I’m on a fight or flight hair trigger when I get like whatever that was earlier.

Like I’ll just be minding my business and all hell breaks loose in my mind and everything just freaks out and I want to just leg it and punch shit out of something at the same time (I mean like a punching bag not a person).

Actually can’t stand it. I feel like I need to change jobs or something so they don’t have to put up with me anymore too.

You only really get two mental breakdowns before people are sick of your shit. You can tell by the voice and mannerisms. Very “not this shit again” vibes.

I need to work for myself so nobody needs to deal with me. Move out to some mountain somewhere. Little hut in the snow.

With gigabit internet obviously, I’m not going feral.

22:48

Have you noticed how I go all goofy after having a meltdown? I just noticed that.

That’s definitely a manipulation tactic aiming to get you back on my side. Don’t fall for it.

01:01

You know when there’s a power cut during the night and everything goes eerily quiet?

Anyway I’ve got that “something’s not normal” feeling basically 24/7 now.

Fancy an email update instead of having to pop back here every time?

Heya! I’m Cohan and I make websites. I also administer Linux servers and do other nerdy good stuff like that.
My real love is writing though, this here’s my outlet for that.
A picture of me.