February 1, 2021. Monday.

Felt like I cared for a moment might delete later

14:14

I wrote a bunch about how I’m sick of rich people whinging about losing money here but honestly I’m probaby just in a bad mood because its Monday and I hate this lock in combined with work. Might go on a bike ride if the ice has pissed off.

I fucking need to get on this level of wealth though. Cunts are on my salary every month haha.

You know what will get you there me, sitting on your arse whinging and doing nothing at all to change it. A billionaire will be along shortly to mint you. Please stand by.

16:10

Proper antagonistic mood today. Impressing myself by not answering “who cares?” to everything. Pull yourself together whingebag.

16:16

For the sake of arguing with myself I really do wish I could care about things like normal people. Jobs, small talk, money. I’d be much better off if they held value (outside of actual cash value), I wish I could sit through 20 meetings a week. I’d double my income easy.

I’ll find what I care about one day. Do wish I was wired up differently though. I come off as aloof and as if tasks are beneath me but the reality is I got the request and would like to start on it and get it out the way and not discuss it any more lets go before I get distracted by a shiny pen.

Honestly it could be ADHD or something like that but I got distracted filling out the ADHD questionaire and fucked it off a few months later when I found it again.

Bit late in life to be diagnosing anything like that to be honest, doctor would just say it’s not held me back so far, no meds. Then they print off some webmd page like they did when I went in for insomnia.. Dickhead I’ve already seen this exact page, no wonder cunts all self diagnose these days.

/ramble. I’m just in a shite mood today, alright.

Fuck this lockdown n’all. Wear a mask you daft cunts.

17:36

Oh yeah I wanted to go on a bike ride didn’t I? Of course its dark now work is over.

Fuck this entire situation. My plan was to be sitting on a beach working from “home” by now. Just get all of this to fuck.

17:45

Ooh lots of swearing today well done you almost expressed an emotion there big man.

18:48

The day wasn’t bad, just my mood. Take out the grumbles and I actually got a fair bit done if I’m honest with myself

19:09

Ooh I was put on to the book I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was: How to Discover What You Really Want and How to Get It by Barbara Sher. The book is by Barbara I mean, I wasn’t told to read the book by.. just, relax.

I hope you are onto something here, Barbara. The introduction has definitely clicked with me, you’ve earned a purchase at least. I really hope we’re on the same page.

I blame school for all this. Back when we were doing all that work experience crap they were like “What do you want to do when you leave school” “I don’t know” “Well you’ll have to pick something!”

They never followed up on that conversation and now I’m almost 33.

Anyway I’m off to read a book.

20:04

Chapter 1 was a swing and a miss.

Take a blank sheet of paper and jot down the names of everyone in your family and extended family. That is, write down anyone who was important to you when you were growing up, teachers, coaches, neighbors, cousins, older friends. Under each person’s name, write down what they wanted you to do with your life

“I dont care”.. under all of them. Now what? No seriously that never came up Babs m8. I bought your fucking book so you could help, not people who didn’t show an interest the first time round lmao.

I’ll accept literally anything from anyone at this point. Factoring in anything and everything you know about me, what should I do with my life? I have absolutely no idea.

20:14

Complete write off. If chapter 2 misses the mark I’m getting it refunded.

21:02

Completely flaked on the book, ended up at reddit. Found this on the productivity subreddit. Think I found me.. sort of. I dunno if the world needs websites but for the sake of argument lets say some websites I make are useful.

Ikigai

Gonna try that book again now.

21:09

I think the book might be onto something in chapter 2 onwards. Scuffed the start but we’re on rails now. Alright no refund locked in, hit me with some ideas Barbara here we go.

21:19

1 minute of the last 10 was dedicated to reading. Focus, prick.

21:28

Part A: The Job from Heaven. Let your imagination run free, and give yourself the gift of designing the world’s most perfect job. Create your own hours, your own activities, your most desirable environment.

Barbara if I could do that I wouldn’t be reading your fucking book would I? I’d be out trying to get or make that job. God dammit Barbara.

21:34

What about your Job from Heaven? Was it fun to invent it? Or were you unable to do it at all?

“You’ve got the wrong guy,” Bill, an ex-ballplayer, said. “I can’t think of a great job. If I could, I’d do it!”

Alright fair enough. Thats me sat back down. As you were.

21:37

Naw I was wrong. She was just readying up the “flip all the aspects of a job you would hate! See, you do care!” and I didn’t get much more excited at doing that job either.

I do think, even though I’m being incredibly stubborn, that a bit of progress has been made. Theres like a spark of something but I can’t put my finger on it yet.

Regardless of whether you started with a positive image or a negative one, you now have a picture of a dream job. Let’s use that information in this next exercise, to create a wonderful job you could actually do.

I’ve felt this level of unprepared going into every assignment I’ve ever been given. Ok lets pretend your book already worked..

I’m going to stop giving a play by play of this book now, but honestly if you’ve ever thought I’d be good at something please do let me know. I really need some outside feedback.

I say that, nobody reads this or anything I write lmao. Who’s gonna give a fuck about the guy who doesn’t give a fuck.

21:50

Oh wait one more. The book is now saying I need to commit to the idea for an hour as if I was going for the dream job.

As I didn’t manage to come up with anything I’m gonna just sit here quietly waiting for the rest of the class.

If you skipped this commitment exercise and decided you’d rather watch old sitcoms, walk the dog, or even do your taxes than do the last exercise--and make a commitment--you may think you were bored, but you weren’t. You simply ducked out before the voices showed up.

You ducked out because you were scared.

Nope. Ducked out because I don’t know what I want to do which is why I bought this fucking book in the first place.

Am spinning on to the next chapter. If the book hinges on me having done the thing I got the book to help figure out how to do we’re back in refund territory.

You think I didn’t manage to come up with thinking up the opposite of my worst job? Come on now. I did that exercise while I was in my worst job! I even flipped the bits to turn it into a good job and then got that job (after a bit of a push from a hip break). Guess fucking what Barbara, complete dogshit mate. I don’t have any passion for this job any more than I did the shit one!

I’m sorry Barbara. I know you’re trying to help. I’m just so desperate for a career, a desire, passion, motivation.

I’m spinning my wheels here Barbara. Help me with your seven quid ebook full of probably made up self help stories. Tell me what to do. Be direct god dammit.

22:11

If you’ve read this all and you think I’m just some lazy bastard that is completely fair, that’s how I see myself too. I do truly feel that I have the ability, dedication, follow through.. I’ve just not found the target yet.

I dunno, I come from a rich line of alcoholics and early graves. Maybe I’ll just keep my head down and wait till I die.

22:48

Bumbled across this video if it helps anyone.

23:00

Another one that clicked with me from this channel (I’m not just lazy!)

23:07

Right well I reckon I’m off to lie in bed wide awake until I fall asleep at stupid o’clock anyway.

Not had any caffeine since lunchish and no devices. Sleep or boredom, brain. Your call mate.

23:59

Fuck where did this iPad come from.

Heya! I’m Cohan and I make PHP-based websites. I also administer Linux servers and do other nerdy good stuff like that.
My real love is writing though, this here’s my outlet for that.
A picture of me.