January 22, 2021. Friday.

You hate to see it. Also TGI weekend!

13:58

Namecheap uses Cloudflare and I got dinged by their CAPTCHA thing..

..reminding me I’m using Cloudflare for domains now.

(I’m in no way saying this is widespread, I’m using a DigitalOcean box as a VPN at the moment probably tripped the security check, it was just a lil amusing)

16:12

A thought just popped into mind. I think I’ve never done anything big so far is because I’m a lazy bastard I’m waiting for permission to do it, or for someone to tell me to do it. Still in a follower mindset.

Who is going to tell me to do something I don’t even know what it is yet?? Who am I going to get permission from if there’s nobody to ask?

Get it done.

17:11

If you ever want to know if you can hold a camera steady fill your coffee too high. If you can get it back to your chair without spilling any you got a stable shot.

I don’t actually know anything about cameras bigger than camcorders, just thought it sounded vaguely smart. I got a coffee out of it anyway.

Who’s psyched for the weekend?!?!??! Gonna sleep so hard.

17:36

Is it just me or have the last 3 weeks specifically gone by at lightspeed? Friday again??

21:44

I’ve been reintroducing veggies in a major way and I think I need to invest in some febreeze before someone thinks I’ve died in here.

21:45

because farts

21:48

Got damn I’m in a lonely mood. Nothing major, just wish I had a few more people to annoy.

Actually what I wish is is is is that I could more reliably get into video games. Last weekend I proper got into Transport Fever 2, like 98% of non-sleep time was spent in it. Had a great time. Tried opening it today and just felt fart noise cba.

I’m in the 368 era of Casey Neistat’s vlogs now. This dude can make a captivating video or two ‘eh!

21:55

Oh aye I got to wear my faves socks today. Highlight of this entire series so far.

22:32

I don’t often join in on things because I default assume people hate me. Like literally I could be introduced to someone new and I’ll come away thinking “oh they definitely hated me”

People have literally said they loved working with me on projects and my picture of them is still “dislikes me but will put up with me being around”

If anyone’s figured out how to fix that one I’m open to suggestion.

22:45

In hindsight that TGI weekend from the teaser is a bit of a lie isnt it. The only difference is that I don’t have to feel as guilty for not getting out of bed.

22:53

These are some proper comfy socks.

Anyway enough about me, how are you doing? Let me know somehow!

22:58

Hair looks like an iced gem or something right now. Remember them?

I hate that I hate how I look. Like if anything I’m being a dick by proxy to my parents, hating on their DNA scramble and that.

Look at that face though..

It’ll do I guess.

23:15

Bored but unmotivated. Tired as hell but wide awake.

Go to sleep brain, fuck me.

I miss most those nights out where it’s just you and the other stealthily depressed members of your circles left. Wandering from pub to pub to club to music bar. Feeling just absolutely vile if you were to be honest with yourself. Drinking on.

I’d love to be sitting in The Grapes or Casa right now. Just absolutely muntered but, through years of trial and error and a bit of leeway from the bouncers cause you’re harmless nerds, nobody bothers you.

The same faces you’d see no matter what day it is. Should have shown more interest, found out about them. Get to know their names if nothing else. I hope they’ve not died of the covid.

Your pal asking how much the jagerbombs are from the roaming shotsfolk. 4 for a fiver? I’ll have the whole tray!

Better yet predrinks where nobody’s fussed! 10pm, 11. We gotta go now if we don’t want time and a half. Oh shit yeah we should go! 1am. Alright boys finish up taxi’s on its way!

It wont go back to normal..

Yeah it will. Look at your hip man. That was like 5 years ago. Remember when you thought you’d never get off the crutches? Exactly, so shut the fuck up. You got this.

23:37

What in the entirety of fuck am I rambling about? Right as this is about to go live as well..

I will get back outside to get my head back on soon, maybe ride a bike somewhere nice and tranquil. It’s just been a bit snowy and then rainy and windy recently.

Man. I just want to get on a train and fuck off somewhere. Not even, there and back again! The best working day of my life was when someone killed themselves a train-but-one ahead of mine. All services cancelled. Brilliant. Sorry Boss, sorry client. What can ye do? “No worries, shit happens, come back.” No trains back for hours. Worked in a coffee shop in Rugby. It’ll be 5 by the time I’m home. Not crazy early but that sweet sweet one train early early. The one before rush hour. Perfect timing all round really.

I mean it sucks someone had to die for me to enjoy a day of work but if nothing else I like to think about how their last action in this life just.. it really made my day. Thank you, anonymous victim of life.

It’s all very grim, somewhat morbid, possibly disrespectful. Sorry.

23:52

You’re rambling again. You know if anyone sees this they’re going to think you’re a proper weirdo right?

Be weird not creepy!

Yeah you keep telling yourself that. You’re going to fail at this, the next thing. Probably your job. You already failed out of an 8 year relationship. 8 years! That is a long-ass time, man I’d have hated to waste my 20s like that, got damn.

No but seriously you carry on with your little dreams of being a youtube famous. What are you, 12?! Your 8* year old nephew wants to be a YouTuber, hahaha. Pathetic.

* or ten? 5? 24? Great family guy too m8.

They say you should treat yourself like you’d treat a friend but I’ve not got the hang of it yet. I get so fierce when I get going!

Bit weird to have a mood swing while typing! I’m not usually this on edge, promise.

See what I’m doing here is lie because I am abso-fuckin-lutely paranoid someone is going to see this and fire me, or never talk to me again, or consider me a bit too risky for employment.

Honestly I worry if people heard the crap going through my head all day I’d be excommunicated from life.

I need to make something, please brain for the love of life stay motivated and not depressed. Do something! Fuck.

00:09 tomorrow

The moment this went live I pictured that “what the hell are you talking about” clip from Billie Eilish’s song (Therefore I am? something like that) and realised writing thoughts as they happen was a bad, silly even, idea.

Gonna be nightmaring tonight. Be nice.

00:28 tomorrow

So these socks. I will have to get more.

00:30 tomorrow (look, me. you gotta stop. its done. print it.)

Oh aye I got, or am getting, or something, a refund of that holiday. EZ 500 quid when they get round to it.. Haha remember that? I was so looking forward to that holiday as well hahaha. Right after the breakup I booked that. Just the thing to sort me out!

Literally the week before: first lockdown. I feel bad for feeling shitty about it y’know all the people dying and suffering but man. I wanted to fuck truly off for a bit.

Anyway I’m waffling again and this thing is live sorry sorry bye ok bye now bye. bye

01:19 tomorrow

i had a cup of tea with like 4 sugars in it and i feel better

Fancy an email update instead of having to pop back here every time?

Heya! I’m Cohan and I make websites. I also administer Linux servers and do other nerdy good stuff like that.
My real love is writing though, this here’s my outlet for that.
A picture of me.