January 4, 2021. Monday.

Feeling like ab-so-lute dog shit today. This one’s a complainer.

It feels like I have no drive, or more specifically it feels like I’ve got my foot on the accelerator but I’m not in gear. Just sitting here revving away doing fuck all other than consume resources.

I probably fucked the day job up today. Probably shouldn’t tell the boss that you’ve got no motivation to do the work they’re paying for. For the record I’m still doing the work, I just don’t give a fuck about the work outside of doing a base level decent job. I did float the idea of profit share (with a pay cut to make it worth the company’s while) so I’ve got something to chase other than my own ass. I’ll polish up the CV later so I’m ready for when that backfires on me. Wouldn’t mind getting back into sysadmin anyway, less hands-on than writing code.

I dunno. Probably a case of gigamondays being the first day of the week, month and year… I say that, it’s not that at all. This is base level normal until the citalopram catches up with me. The citalopram is a crutch that is there to stop me offing myself. Keep me around long enough till I lean how to manually stop trying to self destruct.

No, I can’t afford therapy lmao. I can’t afford to eat if I run out of the stuff I’ve already bought. I’m 25Gs into the negative haha. I’ll get therapy when I’m that much into the positives. Side note never do anything with a windfall of money if you’re as fucking stupid with cash as I am. Lock that shit into a pension for future you to piss up the wall.

Speaking of burning money I wonder if it’s possible to find weed in tier 45 or whatever we’re at now. Last time I was feeling suicidal I tried to overdose on cannabis. I had an amazing time.

Get that vaccine in me already so I can at least go be depressed somewhere sunny.

xoxo

Heya! I’m Cohan and I make PHP-based websites. I also administer Linux servers and do other nerdy good stuff like that.
My real love is writing though, this here’s my outlet for that.
A picture of me.